I would love to do a comparison of the transcript from Epson support, but they don’t /have/ chat support – which should have tipped me off to how this whole thing would transpire. Called phone support and patiently tried to explain that I have troubleshot the hell out of this thing and unless he’s got some magic undocumented process we can skip right to the end. He checked to see if the 60 hour old printer was under warranty and then asked for my credit card information so he could ship me a refurbished replacement [end call, 48 minutes]

I went another route that took about 6 minutes from idea bubble to success kid

You are now connected to Paul from Amazon.com

Paul:Hello Matt, my name is Paul. I’ll be glad to assist you today.

Me:Hi Paul. I need to exchange a defective product and I was wondering if I could expedite shipping on the replacement.

Paul:I’m sorry to hear you received a defective product.
This usually doesn’t happen.
May I have the order number, please?

Me:Order #115-reducked-3577840
And I’ve ordered hundreds of things from amazon, this is the first dead on arrival.

Paul:In this case, I’ll create a replacement for you.

Me:I already started that process.

Paul:Oh okay.

Me:But the replacement is shipping two day.

Paul:I see the replacement order.

Me:I was wondering if I could bump that.

Paul:Okay.
Let me check.
I’ve successfully upgraded the shipping method for this order at no additional charge.

Me:Oh my Paul, that is fantastic.

Paul:The order details are available in Your Account ( http://www.amazon.com/your-account ), and we’ll send you an e-mail when the new order is shipped.

Me:Sweet.

Paul:You’re welcome.

Me:Epson was offering to send a refurbished replacement in 5-7 business days. I was in a dark place about 15 minutes ago. Much better now.

Paul:Great.Is there anything else I can do for you today

Me: Nope – that’s all. Thanks.

Paul:You’re welcome.
I’m glad I could be of help to you.
have a wonderful day ahead, and happy Holidays to you as well.

Me:Thanks, same to you.

[ end scene: 5 minutes]